I unfollowed everyone on Instagram.




Then I manually removed over 7,000 followers. 


Before that, I had just changed my number and ghosted my family and friends so I could start a new life. 


Quite naturally, what felt like a rather big deal for me also deeply impacted the people around me. 


But when you're in the eye of the hurricane, you don't realize just how important you really are to other people. 


Though you kind of do... 


Because if not, you wouldn't weaponize your presence as much as you do. 


Or as much as I did... 


(And still do, to be fair). 


In those days, it felt most fulfilling to make the really selfish decision. At the time, this was represented by my desire to no longer be relied upon by anyone. 


I didn't want to be of service to anyone anymore, and it didn't go unnoticed. 


Days and weeks and even months after my disappearance, I was receiving emails and messages asking me, or the people around me—the people who may have some semblance of contact with me still—if I was OK; if by some terrible stroke of luck, I had been kidnapped!


People thought I was missing. 


In a way, I was. 


I didn't realize it yet, but that part of me was dying.


And I was the one doing the killing. 


In retrospect, I now know a huge motivator of mine was this heightened desire for privacy. I could see that if I were to continue on the road I was going on, I was going to fall off a cliff and I didn't want my over 7,000 Instagram followers to serve witness to that, or to come along with me. 


So I made the selfish decision to protect myself from that. 


Being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing, BTW. 


In fact, I am the most selfish I've ever been and also 


the most happiest, 


the most authentic, 


the most real. 


And it has its consequences. 


For me, this means no longer caring about performing or playing the game. 


It's quite interesting how people will react to you when you stop playing the game. When I first unfollowed everyone on Instagram, for example, one-by-one I began to have these interactions with people who found my decision to be quite rude. 


Do you think you're better than me? 


I'm not your fan. 


I wanted them to know I was no longer their friend.


It's in those conversations where I realized those people were making a distinction between a follower and a fan. 


Today, we speak about followers and fans so flippantly, but another place in which the word "follower" shows up quite often is the Bible, particularly in the New Testament and starting with The Book of Matthew. Jesus is able to amass these disciples, these followers, who not only receive his teachings; are not only beneficiaries of his atonement and his blessings; but are also witnesses to the sacrifices and the consequences of said anointment; of said blessings from God. 


I wasn't ready for people to serve witness to me. 


In my attachment to my ego, I did everything I could to shield myself from being transformed through the act of being witnessed. 


Though, I don't regret my decision. 


I had wanted thousands of followers since I was a teen. When I finally amassed over 7,000 followers on Instagram, it happened in a very fantastical way. 


I was featured on a live stream—her first ever lifestream—with Natalie Portman, an American actress who interviewed me about the state of civil rights in America. 


Because she had a strong connection to her audience, so many people came flooding to my page. By virtue of them following Natalie Portman, they then decided to follow me. 

Though it was really cool to be on the other side; to be experiencing that influx of notifications and understanding what it meant to be a widely followed account, those people were not my people; they were not the people I wished to be followed by. 


In this world of fans and followers, there isn't much conversation about leaders consenting to who gets to follow them. 


In a big—and very selfish—way, that is why I'm creating Dirty Girl. 


I wish to have more of a say in who is following me; who is allowed to feel the intimacy of knowing me; experiencing my art; receiving my teachings; and of having the great gift of transformation. 


Of course, however, transformation is available to everyone. It's free. 


But I know most people won't seek transformation themselves, just like I know most people would struggle to remove over 7,000 Instagram followers, especially in a society where social capital serves as the placebo for financial wealth.. 


Though there will be many people who claim the identity of Dirty Girl, only a few shall reap the benefits of this identity marker. Just like there were many people who claimed to have seen Jesus; who claimed to have touched Jesus; who claimed to have been in the presence of Jesus, only 12 had the privilege of being in his presence; receiving his teachings; and enjoying the intimacy of his being.


Even then, he was still betrayed. 


When I was removing myself from the mainstream, I would look around and had no idea who I could trust. I had also felt the sting of betrayal. And I was beginning to wonder why I wasn't protecting myself enough. 


I first had to recognize that I was worthy of being protected. 


And I feel safer when I don't have to look back to make sure my followers are keeping up.


January 26, 2025